Enjoy your life today because yesterday has gone and tomorrow may never come.
To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless; but even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by...
10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.