The last man that makes a joke owns it.
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.
Don’t jump on a man unless he is down.
Vice goes along way towards making life bearable. A little vice now and then is relished by the best of men.
Meditation is a gift confined to unknown philosophers and cows. Others don’t begin to think till they begin to talk or write.
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
It don’t make much difference what you study, so long as you don’t like it.
Histhry is a post-mortem examination. It tellsye what a counthry died iv. But I’d like to know what it lived iv.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They’re too considerate to get married.
I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and you can never read his prescription.
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle – on the back of a dollar.
A man never becomes an orator if he has anything to say.
Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.
There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.
There are no friends at cards or world politics.
A man’s idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady’s idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.
I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he’s been contaminated by contact with a business man.
A war expert,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a man ye niver heerd iv befure. If ye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an’ ye don’t raymimber his name, an’ he’s got a job on a pa-aper ye didn’t know was published, he’s a war expert. ‘Tis.