A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she’d married a millionaire. You’re lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.
It’s not the hours you put in your work that counts, it’s the work you put in the hours.
There’s no thief like a bad movie.
Don’t drive as if you own the road; drive as if you own the car.
I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it’s still gross.
Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.
Nobody’s too fat – they’re just too short.
If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it’s probably worth it.
When a husband says, “I run things in my home” he may mean the washing machine, the dishwasher and the vacuum cleaner.
The sight of home looks best after you’ve traveled hundreds of miles to get away from it.
Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.
President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we’re all doing it.
Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.
Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in.
Wouldn’t you like to weigh what it says on your driver’s license?
If we are what we eat, why aren’t we new, improved, fat-free, and light.
On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, “Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device”. The question is, why doesn’t the plane just become a boat?
Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you.
Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.