Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.
Elvis is dead and I don’t feel good for myself.
I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.
I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.
I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
Spring time is the land awakening.
It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
Let’s all start walking more and driving less.
If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I’m Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.
Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”
If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the corn bread is a heathen who doesn’t love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.
I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes – and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide.
A lot of people won’t listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid.
When I was a kid, the county in which I lived was dry. That is, you had to buy your booze from a bootlegger in order to keep the church people happy.