Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.
Elvis is dead and I don’t feel good for myself.
I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.
I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.
I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
Spring time is the land awakening.
It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
Let’s all start walking more and driving less.
If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I’m Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.
Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”