If it’s dirty, it’s not funny, but if it’s funny, it’s not dirty.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.
Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you’re cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you’re not telling jokes.
I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart.
Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.
I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn’t, I hit them.
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.
Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
My wife said to me, “I want to be cremated.” I said, “How about Tuesday?”
I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don’t question. It was a gift from God.
A comedian sees the world bent. I’m tangent to the circle.
There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison, and other people just hate him regular.
What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.
When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don’t improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I’ve let myself down.
Why should I be angry at someone when they are out dancing?