A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.
There is something distinctive about living in New York; over eight million other people are doing it.
About the time we get old enough to be as wicked as we want to be, we don’t want to be so very wicked after all.
Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.
There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe.
A woman’s hair net tangled in a man’s spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser.
Golf may be a hussy, but I love her.
Be kind to dumb people.
Methods of locomotion have improved greatly in recent years, but places to go remain about the same.
Conversation: The slowest form of human communication.
There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.
Golf is not sacred, and there is no use getting so gosh-darned solemn about it.
I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn’t have been supplanted by phonographs.
It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.
In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person.
The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance.
Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot.
A lot of men think that if they smile for a second, somebody will take advantage of them, and they are right.
This is the greatest paradox: the emotions cannot be trusted; yet it is the emotions that tell us the greatest truths.
If I had my life to live over, I’d pick more daisies.