The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
Nobody is quite so blase and sophisticated as a boy of nineteen who is just recovering from a baby grand passion.
A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied up to one.
No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a “Master of Arts” and a “Doctor of Philosophy” after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.
Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst end of the bargain.
Love: woman’s eternal spring and man’s eternal fall.
Marriage is the operation by which a woman’s vanity and a man’s egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
For repeating themselves from the first kiss to the last sigh, the average man’s love affairs have History blushing with envy.
Love will never be ideal until man recovers from the illusion that he can be just a little bit faithful or a little bit married.
Flattery is like wine, which exhilarates a man for a moment, but usually ends by going to his head and making him act foolishly.
Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.
What a man calls his ‘conscience’ is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.
One man’s folly is another man’s wife.
There are only two kinds of men; the dead and the deadly.
And verily, a woman need know but one man well, in order to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them.
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Woman: the peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch and the sinner his justification.
Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.
Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
Don’t waste time trying to break a man’s heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place.
When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart.