A major cause of injury to children is parents rushing to the scene. The panic reflex. Some children love to scream for the thrill of making immense people move fast. I remember that, on a quiet day, my sister and I in the backyard wondered, “Where’s Mom?” Upstairs, we thought. So I screamed, “MOM.” She made it down in two seconds. A good pair of wheels for an old lady.

— Garrison Keillor

Garrison Keillor Quotes

What liberals must conserve is the middle class: the stable family who can afford to enjoy music and theater and take the kids to Europe someday and put money in the collection plate and save for college and keep up the home and be secure against catastrophe. This family has taken big hits in payroll taxes and loss of buying power and a certain suppressed panic about job security.

— Garrison Keillor

The living wander away, we don’t hear from them for months, years – but the dead move in with us to stay.

— Garrison Keillor

By God, no matter what Republicans say, the people of this country really do care about each other. We are not a cold people. By God, when John F. Kennedy said, “Ask what you can do for your country,” he spoke to this country’s heart and conscience.

— Garrison Keillor

They did not weave their lives around yours. They had their own lives, which were mysterious to you.

— Garrison Keillor

My own life would make a pretty dull story, I think, and I envy him as I drive to work on a cold Minnesota morning across the Mississippi River with its coal barges still struggling upstream like so many of us nowadays.

— Garrison Keillor

Couldn’t dance because it would awaken carnal desire, which in my case was not only awake, it was dressed and down on the corner waiting for the bus.

— Garrison Keillor

Do you think it’s right for Christians to use the names of pagan gods for the days of the week?

— Garrison Keillor

Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn’t. Woman: See what I mean?

— Garrison Keillor

I just sort of slid into it, like you’d go for a walk in the woods and fall into a crevasse and wind up in a cave full of rubies and emeralds.

— Garrison Keillor

Republicans are all about Old Glory and school prayer and the sanctity of marriage and the Fatherhood of God but when it comes to actually needing help from them, you shouldn’t get your hopes up. They might send an ambulance or they might just send a Get Well card.

— Garrison Keillor

What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

— Garrison Keillor

I feel like a blind man searching a dark room for a pair of black socks that aren’t there.

— Garrison Keillor

That’s what high school does for you: gives you some art and music and history so that even if you spend your life raising kids and writing computer programs, still there was a time when you argued about the First Amendment and talked about the Civil War and read Romeo and Juliet.

— Garrison Keillor

All the best of you is in the old tongue, but when you speak your best in America you become a yokel, a dumb Norskie, and when you speak English, an idiot.

— Garrison Keillor

Good old Norwegian cooking: you don’t read much about that, or about good old Norwegian hospitality.

— Garrison Keillor

Too many of my fellow Christians voted for selfishness and for degradation of the beautiful world God created. I guess they figured that by the time the planet was a smoky wasteland, they’d be nice and comfy in heaven, so wotthehell.

— Garrison Keillor

Going to church no more making you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

— Garrison Keillor

If you can’t trust your can open, then what?

— Garrison Keillor

If you can’t trust your can opener, then what? Is your wastebasket going to get you?

— Garrison Keillor

A major cause of injury to children is parents rushing to the scene. The panic reflex. Some children love to scream for the thrill of making immense people move fast. I remember that, on a quiet day, my sister and I in the backyard wondered, “Where’s Mom?” Upstairs, we thought. So I screamed, “MOM.” She made it down in two seconds. A good pair of wheels for an old lady.

— Garrison Keillor
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