MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
Condole – to show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.
Introduction – a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.
NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.
PESSIMISM- philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
PYRRHONISM- An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that.
POSITIVISM- A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.
The best kind of onion soup is the simplest kind.
PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.
KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a “crowned head,” although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.
ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.
RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven’s best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg “pate”.
ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though Horizontalists hold that the posture of the body was immaterial.