WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.
Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for “bliss.” It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend.
MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines, who believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. Herod of Judea, all the famous soldiers have been practical exponents of the Malthusian idea.
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of ‘Cogito ergo sum’ to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved ‘Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum’ ‘I think that I think, therefore I think that I am’ as close an approach.
DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another’s generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.
Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.
HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh’s heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.
MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.
One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.
RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.
Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries.
NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one’s competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob’s-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.
MAMMON, n. The god of the world’s leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.