Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.
This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
The best way to clean up a son’s room is to close the door and pretend it’s not part of the house.
Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
I worship the quicksand he walks in.
Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
I’m working when I’m fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.
No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I’m going first class.
I know it’s very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.
When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I’ve gotten so well Medicare won’t pay for me anymore.
Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.
Writing humor in my column isn’t as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
I don’t know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it’s the only time you’ve got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.
Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.
People are broad-minded. They’ll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.
I just don’t want to die the same day Castro dies.