What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?
A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.
Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
There is a very difficult period in a comedian’s career – it’s that window of time where you’re good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.
If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.
I’m always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn’t get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what’s bugging me.
There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you like 17 right off the top of my head.
I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don’t like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it’s good.
I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
Deny your emotions and act like you have answers.
I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you’ve gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman’s motherly instincts.
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.
Podcasting is great. Total freedom.
You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.
My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who’s logged more hours than that guy.
If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that’s good for me; I’m good.
I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.