Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...
I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?
Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy – if they start to like you, they’ll get a project going and call you in.