But I don’t begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it’s just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.
Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.
I couldn’t get the laughter out of my head. It wasn’t career. It wasn’t even a choice. It was a calling.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t waiting for a scab either to grow or to fall off my knee.
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
If someone tells you that you cannot do something and you believe it, they are right.
I’m really not that funny in real life. But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.
I liked myself better when I wasnt me.
The first time someone said, ‘What are your measurements?’ I answered, ‘37, 24, 38 – but not necessarily in that order.’
I can’t tell a joke to save my soul. It’s just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.
I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.
Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.
As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in ‘Dharma and Greg’ was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing.
I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstances.
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.
Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on – I guess you’d call it welfare, what we called relief.
It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it’s too bad that we don’t have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team’s lawyers.
It’s almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.
My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.
Well, I don’t know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.