Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.
Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.’
Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president.
In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president’s exact quote was: ‘I ain’t make none mistakes ever.’
Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn’t cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.
On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.’
NBC is making a movie about Martha Stewart that will cover the recent stock scandal. They are thinking of calling it ‘The Road To Extradition.’
In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What’s going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?
Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, “Back-to-back number ones!”
People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, ‘Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I’m a huge douche.’
Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it’s known in Utah, Monday.
Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace’s last user went private.
Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name ‘Microsoft Windows.’
According to a recent survey, kids are receiving an average of 40 cents less from the tooth fairy. That’s right, the economy is so bad that even make-believe people are feeling the pinch.
A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it’s the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.
Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it’s been since I have been able to wear my “Go Iran” T-shirt?
Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.
I’d kill for ‘somewhat frosty.’
George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.
Over-thinking in your brain is anathema to the process of thinking on your feet.