It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.
Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.
Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.
Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it’s President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it’s Ed Begley Jr.
CNN’s Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that’s who we blame for Rick Sanchez.
Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up.
Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.
Every comedian dreams of hosting ‘The Tonight Show’ and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.
John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don’t know what they’re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn’t eligible for another fifteen years.
Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn’t changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he’s started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.
President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn’t that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.
Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it’s 22 years later, and they still haven’t lost their virginity.
The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he’d like to help, but he’s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.
Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, ‘It’s not so bad.’
Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, ‘Why didn’t you do that when you were on television?’