You can do your kids a lot of good simply by asking, “What are some ideas you have to make it better and solve this problem?
Sherlock Holmes: the Arthur Conan Doyle character who declared, “It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
So the more we give our kids practice at considering how someone else feels or experiences a situation, the more empathic and caring they will become.
By helping them understand the rules and limits in their respective environments, we help build their conscience.
The healthy move to adulthood is toward interdependence, not complete “do-it-yourself” isolation.
To state this more succinctly, awareness of the body’s state influences how we organize our lives. Knowing your body strengthens your mind.
Children are much more apt to share and talk while building something, playing cards, or riding in the car than when you sit down and look them right in the face and ask them to open up.
Attuning inwardly felt like a welcome home celebration.
And our disciplinary decisions go a long way toward determining how strong those connections are. The way we interact with our kids when they’re upset significantly affects how their brains develop, and therefore what kind of people they are, both today and in the years to come.
Instead of just reacting to the external actions, you are focusing your attention on what her inner world may be like – red, green, or blue – and communicating to that internal state of your child.
One reason big feelings can be so uncomfortable for small children is that they don’t view those emotions as temporary.
Nature is far more inventive than is human imagination, and the microscopic world is not what Niels Bohr or anyone else could have guessed.
The key to clinical attunement is to be willing to say “I don’t know” and “tell me more.
We will honor the controversy, and explore possibilities rather than assert absolutes.
When we set limits, we help develop the parts of the upstairs brain that allow children to control themselves and regulate their behaviors and their body.
With an increased need to connect, missed moments of joining can quickly turn from misunderstandings to painful withdrawal into a shame state. While this is possible for anyone, those of us with difficult early histories filled with shame may be at highest risk of feeling the pain of missed connection and amplifying our reactions.
Grief allows you to let go of something you’ve lost only when you begin to accept what you now have in its place.
This is the PART we play in helpful communication. PART means that we are present, attune, resonate, and create trust.
You can discipline in a way that’s high on relationship, high on respect, and low on drama and conflict – and.
Saying yes to that second or third treat of the day might be easier in the short term because it avoids a meltdown. But what about tomorrow? Will treats be expected then as well? Remember, the brain makes associations from all of our experiences. Spoiling ultimately makes life harder on us as parents because we’re constantly having to deal with the demands or the meltdowns that result when our kids don’t get what they’ve come to expect: that they’ll get their way all the time.