That was his “survive” goal. But he also wanted to turn this difficult experience into an opportunity that would benefit Katie in both the short and the long term. That was his “thrive” goal. We.
That might mean giving a warning five minutes before having to leave the park, or enforcing a consistent bedtime so your kids don’t get too tired and grumpy.
When you see your child’s behavior trending in a direction you don’t like, ask yourself, “Is he hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?
When your children are feeling upset, a loving touch can calm things down and help you connect, even during moments of high stress.
But at the same time, they are opportunities – even gifts – because a survive moment is also a thrive moment, where the important, meaningful work of parenting takes place.
What you practice with intention creates a repeated state that will then become a trait that can work in the background without your effort or conscious energy.
Using only the right or left brain would be like trying to swim using only one arm.
As you learn about the brain and consider all of the information we’re offering here, don’t forget about the simple and the obvious, the little things you already know. Common sense can take you a long way.
Everything they see, hear, feel, touch, or even smell impacts their brain and thus influences the way they view and interact with their world – including their family, neighbors, strangers, friends, classmates, and even themselves.
Connection is about walking through the hard times with our children and being there for them when they’re emotionally suffering, just like we would if they scraped their knee and were physically suffering.
Feelings are not a side component of a life well lived; they are essential ways we live as a whole, embodied being.
For example, one of the most powerful ways we connect with our children is simply by physically touching them.
Adolescence is not a period of being “crazy” or “immature.” It is an essential time of emotional intensity, social engagement, and creativity.
Fear and punishment can be effective in the moment, but they don’t work over the long term. And are fear, punishment, and drama really what we want to use as primary motivators of our children? If so, we teach that power and control are the best tools to get others to do what we want them to do.
Consider the difference between saying “I am sad” and “I feel sad.” Similar as those two statements may seem, there is actually a profound difference between them. “I am sad” is a kind of self-definition, and a very limiting one. “I feel sad” suggests the ability to recognize and acknowledge a feeling, without being consumed by it. The focusing skills that are part of mindsight make it possible to see what is inside, to accept it, and in the accepting to let it go, and, finally, to transform it.
But science and experience reveal that with self-reflection and understanding, non-ideal patterns we’ve adopted from our own pasts can be transformed. Be patient with yourself and with your family members. With kindness and understanding, to yourself and to others, change can be nurtured and good things can emerge.
Recent studies have found that the best predictor for good sibling relationships later in life is how much fun the kids have together when they’re young. The rate of conflict can even be high, as long as there’s plenty of fun to balance it out. The real danger comes when the siblings just ignore each other. There may be less tension to deal with, but that’s also a recipe for a cold and distant relationship as adults.
Every time we say “Convince me” or “Come up with a solution that works for both of us,” we give our kids the chance to practice problem solving and decision making. We help them consider appropriate behaviors and consequences, and we help them think about what another person feels and wants. All because we found a way to engage the upstairs, instead of enraging the downstairs.
Mindsight is a teachable skill at the heart of being empathic and insightful, moral and compassionate.
Rather than simply telling them what to do and demanding that they conform to your requests, you’ll be giving them experiences that strengthen their executive functions and develop skills related to empathy, personal insight, and morality.