Let’s say you’re in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don’t know, you have too many teeth.
Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape.
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It’s garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel’s. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I’m saying? Because on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend’s a guy who will help you move. A best friend’s a guy who will help you move a body. That’s how I look at it.
Never drink alone, that’s what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that’s just how she passed out.
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
You gotta make your own fun. That’s right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I’m talking about.