I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
I gotta quit smoking, doctor’s orders, and the drinking, court orders.
You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you’re almost a pedophile.
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here’s mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
Sometimes. I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous. I’m pretty low on the showbiz totem pole – I mean, I’m no Jon or Kate plus eight. I’m just a comic, not a baby factory.
Here’s a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there’s someone right behind you.
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.
I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
I’m sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that’s a different story.
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
I’m not really a music guy.
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
I’m not like a performer type.