Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.
In the words of a very famous dead person, ‘A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.
The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway.
Little Richard was drenched in milk, and the cow was none too happy. But the iron brig door hung open. “Good job,” said Slank. “Next time, you milk the cow,” said Little Richard.
My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.
He stepped forward, and as he did the left side of his coconut brassiere slipped down, revealing his left nipple. He shoved the coconut back into place. He didn’t want to look unprofessional.
They feed you, like, eight times a day, which is why cruise people always look like hairless water buffalo wearing sneakers.
I’m not saying all the women were hot. Some of them, if they fell overboard, they’d be harpooned by Japs.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, “There you go IRS bashing again.” They’re always saying that they’re just doing their job. Someone I know once said, “You could get another job.”
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able – even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog – to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the “patty” group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.
It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.