It didn’t seem fair to me that Jon Stewart’s rally didn’t get the same kind of attention that Glenn Beck’s did. Why was Beck’s seen as checking the thermometer of the country, and Jon Stewart just dismissed as a satirist?
Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; in fact, most often, it’s just the opposite.
My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there’s a short in the system and I break out over things I didn’t do, which only makes me look more suspect.
I never got the idea of a punishing God, just a really boring one. To see people growing up in the Carolinas who were Baptist, I knew there were others who felt God was going to send them to hell for any little thing, but not me.
I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won’t be offended.
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I’ve written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn’t imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.
Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.
I’ve never made up events, but I’ve always been a big exaggerator. It’s written on my humorist license that I’m allowed to do that.
I didn’t know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.
Famous people like to choose friends who won’t go around repeating their conversations and details about them.
The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention.
Often I’d take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face.
The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
I cry all the time when I watch ‘Glee’ because I don’t know if it’s satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry.
Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you’re in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can’t be thought of as cute.
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you’re sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp.
My family isn’t really all that different from anyone else’s. Well, maybe they’re a bit more entertaining.