She just happens to be my father, young man, and I’d appreciate it of you’d show her a little respect.
People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with ingredients for all the world to see: chicken fried steak, overcooked vegetables, no working knowledge of any major Italian movie directors – the list went on and on.
It means ‘female dog,’” I’d explained to my sisters, “but it also means ’a woman who’s crabby and won’t let you be yourself.
If I’d been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but was just a little too gung ho for my taste.
You have how many children in your family?” the teacher would ask. “I’m guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?
I don’t know that it had anything to do with us,” my father said. But how could it have not? Doesn’t the blood of every suicide splash back on our faces?
Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently and it was like, ‘Yikes! What the hell happened?
In my book, if you want to be treated like an old person, you have to look like one. That means no face-lift, no blond hair, and definitely no fishnet stockings.
A few years later, in the midst of a brief academic setback, she trained him to act as her emotional cheerleader. I’d call and hear him in the background, screaming, “We love you, Lisa!” and “You can do it!
She hit bottom when she physically attacked a deaf-mute. This was a boy of fourteen, a beloved neighborhood figure who delivered for the nearby deli.
We were standing near the Lollipop Forest when we realized that Santa is an anagram of Satan... Overhearing the customers we would substitute the Satan for the world Santa.
You have what we in France call ‘good time teeth,’” she said. “Why on earth would you want to change them?” “Um, because I can floss with the sash to my bathrobe?
Though harsh in other respects, prison would be an excellent place to learn a foreign language – total immersion, and you’d have the new slang before it even hit the streets.
The reverend insists we occupy the first pew. He rang us up not long ago, tipsy – he’s a tippler – saying that our faces brought him closer to God. And it’s true, we’re terribly good-looking people.
That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni!
It is not unpleasant to hold someone else’s warm teeth in your hand...
I was hoping the people of the world might be united by something more interesting, like drugs or an unarmed struggle against the undead.
Here I’ve given him a good eight inches and a shot at immortality and he’ll turn on me the same way he did last year when I asked him to pose for a few nude sketches. Ingrate.
Poor, chubby Annette Kelper, who desperately tries to pretend that nobody notices the fact that she’s balding on top of her head. That’s right. Look closely – balding just like a man. Perhaps Randy feels sorry for chrome-dome Annette.
What if I’d wasted my entire life comparing myself with people who didn’t really matter? Try as I might, I still can’t wrap my mind around it.