I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn’t care to drink with, even if he drank.
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner’s inquest.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia – to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.
Let’s not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse.
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body.
Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.
Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what sting is justice.
The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts.