Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
Politics, as hopeful men practise it in the world, consists mainly of the delusion that a change in form is a change in substance.
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
A home is not a mere transient shelter: its essence lies in the personalities of the people who live in it.
A large part of altruism, even when it is perfectly honest, is grounded upon the fact that it is uncomfortable to have unhappy people about one.
We must be willing to pay a price for freedom.
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line.
If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.