Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.
My grandfather always said, Don’t watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It’s almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant – even if they wanted to be one?
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
I’ve been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what’s going to happen with our country in the future.
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don’t know how they make it! It was great!
I’m still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I’ll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You’re crazy! I said, Write it down!
I’ve got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can’t remember why!
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he’s with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he’s praying for, he’s already got!
I’m crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
Everybody knows we’re entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.