But I loved that house, and I hated to say good-bye. Because, it was more than just a house. It was every summer, every boat ride, every sunset. It was Susannah.
Conrad calling me again – that was enough to make me forget how to breathe.
We sat around the kitchen table picking off of foil-covered plates. Conrad kept sneaking looks at me, and every time I looked back, he looked away. I’m right here, I wanted to tell him. I’m still here.
I really wish I had enjoyed it more.
So are you gonna cry about it like a punk, or are you gonna do something?
I whispered “I’m not,” even though I was. Not scared of him, but scared of everything I felt. Sometimes it was too much. What I felt for him was bigger than the world, than anything.
We didn’t know what was ahead of us then. We were just two teenagers, looking up at the sky on a cold February night. So no, he didn’t give me flowers or candy. He gave me the moon and the stars. Infinity.
I want to say yes, but I don’t want to be with a boy whose heart belongs to somebody else. Just once, I want to be somebody else’s first choice.
Hearing him say it now, that is was my birthday present, touched me in the last place I wanted him to touch me. My heart.
Oh, I used to lie all the time as a kid.” I didn’t think of it as lying, though. I thought of it as playing make-believe. I told Kitty she was adopted and her real family was in a traveling circus. It’s why she took up gymnastics.
Josh, you break my heart. And you’re a liar. Because you know me, you know me better than almost anybody, and you don’t love me.
When I write, I hold nothing back. I write like he’ll never read it. Because he never will. Every secret thought, every careful observation, everything I’ve saved up inside me, I put it all in the letter. When I’m done, I seal it, I address it, and then I put it in my teal hatbox.
Love is scary: it changes; it can go away. That’s part of the risk.
The air tasted just the same, smelled just the same. The wind making my hair feel sticky, the salty sea breeze, all of it felt just right. Like it had been waiting for me to get there.
It’s funny how much of your childhood is about proximity.
I do this to feign confidence, because the more I fake it, the more it’s supposed to feel true.
I tried to communicate happiness in that word, but I don’t know if it came out that way. All I was feeling was despair. And envy. Envy so thick and so black I felt like I was choking on it.
It’s crazy, how similar we are. Here’s both of us, working through our stuff, trying to make something positive out of something really bad.
Is this how people lose touch? I didn’t think that could happen with sisters. Maybe with other people, but never us.
His voice made my shiver, it was like the sound f water when it pulls off sand.