The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.
Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.
Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.
Italy’s youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they are 72 but that’s because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages.
Let’s be perfectly clear, shall we. The fox is not a little orange puppy dog with doe eyes and a waggly tail. It’s a disease-ridden wolf with the morals of a psychopath and the teeth of a great white shark.
I’m having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over.
I have a pathological terror of falling through ice. I nearly drowned once. I fell off a boat and got a cramp, and was rescued by an oil-rig diver, a great bear of a man who simply leant into the water and scooped me out with one finger.
There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!
I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!
I’m a horse of a man!
You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.
Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.
Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the Ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.
This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.
Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you’re going.
It was as relaxing as being tickled.
I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.
Like many men, I can never find anything that I’m looking for, even when I’m actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence.
Governments would rather spend their money on another bomber than education, and why do we fear black men when every bit of suffering in our lives has a Caucasian face attached to it?