What I wanted to tell you is that there are lots of ways to love people and I know that you’ll love someone else again. Even if it’s not the same, some of it might be better.
I think that making yourself available means putting the relationship you’re in first. Not necessarily always, but often. It means making the decision that’s best for the two of you, as a unit, even if it means compromising a little individually. It means sharing everything.
The problem with living in the now is it means, by definition, you’re not making plans for the future.
Love does that. It makes you feel infinite and invincible, like the whole world is open to you, anything is achievable, and each day will be filled with wonder.
There is an element of peace in believing that we’re only players on a stage, acting out stories directed by someone else.
But what was true then, and has been true as long as I’ve known you, is that you find beauty everywhere. You notice things other people don’t. It’s something I’ve always admired about you.
I love you, Lucy, like hydrogen loves oxygen. A totally different kind of love. An elemental kind.
We see everything through the filter of our own desires and regrets, hopes and fears.
I often think about how throughout life, we acquire people. More like People, with a capital P. The ones we go to in an emergency – the ones we know we can count on. If we’re lucky, our parents are our first People. Then our siblings. A childhood best friend. A spouse.
About how you felt unmoored, like no one was connecting you to the earth anymore, like you could float away and no one would notice.
There are so many kinds of secrets. The sweet ones you want to savor like candy, the grenades that have the potential to destroy your world, and the exciting ones that are more fun the more you share them. Even though our secret was a grenade, it still felt sweet to me.
I craved the kind of closeness I felt in your embrace... I imagined giving myself over to you, completely, the way I used to, abandoning all control, letting you be in charge. I wanted that. I needed that. I’d been trying so hard to hold everything together, and I was done. I needed someone else to take over. I needed YOU to take over.
I still think about you. I think about that fork in the road, what would have happened if we’d taken it. Two roads diverged. The thing about roads, is sometimes you happen upon them again. Sometimes you get another chance to travel down the same path.
What if – ” You never finished the sentence, as if you were afraid to say it, or maybe it was that you were afraid for me to hear it.
Whether it’s destiny or decision that has kept us connected all these years. Or a combination of both, taking the current when it serves.
Maybe not everything all at once, but I think people can end their lives having gotten all that they wanted out of it.” And I do believe that, Gabe, I still do.
I created a Gmail folder called Disaster and put all your e-mails in there, including that one. I didn’t write back. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear it if you ignored me again.
I’d chosen to focus on what was wrong instead of what was right.
I never knew how much I could love another human being until I met you, Gabe. I’ll.
I love you, Lucy, like hydrogen loves oxygen. A totally different kind of love. An elemental kind.” And when he said that, I laughed through my tears because only my brother could explain love using the periodic table.