Hot dogs are like strippers, really. Nobody wants to know the backstory. We don’t want to think about how they came to be in their present form of employment. “Well, when I was twelve, my stepfather... ” “Not interested! Put some mustard on that.
Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. “What am I, a pioneer?
I prefer the Chinese restaurants that have the silverware on the table when you arrive, because there’s nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to the waiter and being like, “Uh, yeah, hi, uh, I’m too white. Do you have a shovel back there?
Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, “Uh, we don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.
In the end, that’s what most vacations are. Just you eating in a place you’ve never been. “Why don’t we eat something, then we’ll go get something to eat? Then we should see that thing we’re supposed to see; they probably have a snack bar, so we can get something to eat. But after that, we definitely gotta go out and get something to eat.
Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. “Cool” is a ridiculous concept.
I think everyone is aware how disgusting snails are, and that’s why they are served in a bowl of wine and butter and called “escargots,” which is a French word loosely translated as “denial.
If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to.
Ugh, I’m so full. I guess I’ll have some cheese. Hmm, I don’t even like this cheese. I guess I’ll finish it.
It would be embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer – that’s the food we eat before we have our food. No, no, you’re thinking of dessert – that’s food we have after we have our food. We eat tons of food. Sometimes there’s so much we just stick it in a bag and bring it home. Then we throw it out the next day. Maybe give it to the dog.
If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.
Getting married and becoming the father of young children has taught me that I am a narcissist. The good news is that I am a really great, really important, and really special narcissist.
I love the phrase “I have a sweet tooth.” I always want to say, “You’re ordering it for your tooth? That’s interesting, because it’s going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.
It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don’t know how Moses did it.
I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who’s not interested.
I don’t know much about grammar, but I think kale salad is what they call a “double negative.
In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. ‘Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.
There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.
I wouldn’t trust them skinnies with food advice.
What I especially love about Kmart is the ambience. I always feel like I’ve entered a store that was just attacked by a flash mob. Everything always looks and feels a little disheveled.