The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you’re either given way too much respect, like people saying, “You should be the head of the sitcom!” Or you’re given no respect, where they’re like, “You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down.”
There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.
I’m definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer – everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we’re just like, oh no.
I like bowling. It’s just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, “The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling.”
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I’d always cringe a little bit, like, ‘I can’t get a date, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
If someone picks up one thing you’ve written, you want them to go, ‘Wow, this is pretty good.’
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.
I’m convinced that anyone who doesn’t like Mexican food is a psychopath.
I like to think coffee comes from beans; therefore, it’s a vegetable.
I’m a fan of relaxing, and when i get tired of relaxing I like to do nothing.
I treat my body like a temple. A temple of doom, but a temple nonetheless.
Nobody believes in racial profiling until they get a red-haired sushi chef with a southern accent.
You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can’t believe I’m still here! I would’ve eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?
During December we are all ingesting, imbibing, and spending with a reckless abandon like a bachelor party on a guilt-free boondoggle. Everyone has the unspoken agreement that what happens in December stays in December.
In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby.
Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it?
When I was ten years old I was actually given McDonald’s gift certificates for Christmas by my mom. Yes, my own mother. I guess she couldn’t find gift certificates for a vending machine. I like to think it was her way of saying, “Merry Christmas. Here are some coupons for poison.” McDonald’s introduced the gift certificate prior to the obesity epidemic. I’m not saying that McDonald’s gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
The pig is converting a tasteless piece of fruit, essentially garbage, into one of the most delicious foods known to man. The pig has to be one of the most successful recycling programs ever. When you think about it, that is more impressive than anything Steve Jobs did.
When I hear homestyle, I always think of some guy in his underwear standing next to a microwave. “You want me to nuke a hot dog for ya? I got some old Chinese in the fridge, but I think it’s my roommate’s.
A good friend of ours has three cats in her studio apartment and asked me, “Can you tell that I have cats?” I replied, “No, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your living room.