My new years resolution? I will be less laz...
I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
When I started stand-up – and this is in the ’90s – there was definitely people hadn’t watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let’s see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don’t they just call that one the female?
The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.
I grew up in Sheepshead Bay.
I’d been acting and doing stand-up in New York about eight years, getting rejected, and I finally got the opportunity to do stand-up on Letterman, which holds even more importance for me. With comedians, that’s definitely the pinnacle, but being from Indiana, it was a big to-do.
Wouldn’t it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone’s sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, “That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he’s Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!”
I never have free time, I don’t know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there’s two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you’re like “Forget it! I’m not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?”
If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
The real question is should we trust people who don’t like cheese?
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don’t even read it! “Hey I got a – who cares.”
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
I left the Midwest thinking I didn’t fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me – I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever – there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about.
My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.