Don’t you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
You can never find the right bowling ball. This one’s too heavy. This one’s good but its pink!
I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
The Thanksgiving tradition is, we gorge. Hey, what about at Thanksgiving we simply consume a considerable measure? However we do that consistently! Goodness. Imagine a scenario where we consume a ton with individuals who pester the heck out of us.
I’m not saying that McDonald’s gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and – you know, and now we’re going in there every other day baptizing a kid.
Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, “Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it”
My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
Lean Pockets, I don’t even wanna know what’s in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: ‘Remove from box, place directly in toilet.’ Flush Pocket!
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
I would say that now I’m somebody who goes to church.
How’d we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, ‘Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.’
Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn’t that the best?
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can’t reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
All I want to do is be a good dad, but I’m pretty bad at it.
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ’successful.
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.