You’re on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there’s some kind of – at least for me, there’s some kind of idea of control.
Bacon’s the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend’s name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I’m not in control of things.
Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’
When I’m in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it – it kind of quells my narcissism.
Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
Don’t you think it’s strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
The reason I say I’m a horrible person is I don’t want myself to be presented as somebody who’s a great Catholic.
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin.
If you’re a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who’s just relaxing after he strangled a family. “Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.”
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who’s that for? ‘I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.’ ‘I’ll have the bologna sandwich – dirty.’
Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it’s – for me, it’s like – I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
I like that in my audiences, there’s a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’