How’d we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, ‘Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.’
Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn’t that the best?
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can’t reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
All I want to do is be a good dad, but I’m pretty bad at it.
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ’successful.
I think when my mother died, it was such a – you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: “I still live near you!” The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it’s just a picture of me holding a rifle.
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea what’s in water.
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? “You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins.” “You sure?” “Trust me. Just do it son!”
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It’s like, “Take that, Lipitor.”
Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there’s always a woman getting beaten on that channel. “In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod.”
I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
I can’t believe we got grades in gym class. I’ve never used anything I learned in there. “All right, I’m standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy.”
I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, “I’m glad I ate that.” I’m always like, “I’m gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts.”
How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, “How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.”
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? “Hi. It’s me again. I forgot to tell you that I’m going to kill you. Because I’m the freak who keeps calling and calling.”
I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late ’90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn’t do some of the more explicit jokes.
You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That’s why I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.