If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don’t even read it! “Hey I got a – who cares.”
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
I left the Midwest thinking I didn’t fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me – I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever – there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about.
My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.
It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you’re just like “WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?”
Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, “You were named after Grandma.” The seventh kid, “You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben.”
I do have some Catholic stuff that is done from the perspective of an ignorant Catholic. But other than that, topic-wise, there’s nothing really filthy.
You can’t tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn’t somehow tied to his name. You’re not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you’re taking from his personal stash. “Looks like my kids aren’t having ketchup tonight.”
My children have made me a better man, which is – in the end, that’s probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can’t find it, so you just decide, “Ah, guess I’m not watching TV. I’m not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I’ll go to the gym if I’m going to work out.”
What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? “Well, we ain’t rich folk, but on special occasions, I’ll break out the ketchup. Grandma’s birthday, make her feel special”
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you’re like, “I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?” But at night you’re like, “La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I’ve seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron’s always in trouble.”
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
There’s something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it’s pretty sincere.