I think when my mother died, it was such a – you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: “I still live near you!” The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it’s just a picture of me holding a rifle.
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea what’s in water.
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? “You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins.” “You sure?” “Trust me. Just do it son!”
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It’s like, “Take that, Lipitor.”
Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there’s always a woman getting beaten on that channel. “In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod.”
I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
I can’t believe we got grades in gym class. I’ve never used anything I learned in there. “All right, I’m standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy.”
I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, “I’m glad I ate that.” I’m always like, “I’m gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts.”
How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, “How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.”
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? “Hi. It’s me again. I forgot to tell you that I’m going to kill you. Because I’m the freak who keeps calling and calling.”
I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late ’90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn’t do some of the more explicit jokes.
You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That’s why I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.
I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn’t going to do in my stand-up routine.
I just want to be known as funny.
I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it’s not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren’t done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.