Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who’s that for? ‘I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.’ ‘I’ll have the bologna sandwich – dirty.’
Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it’s – for me, it’s like – I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
I like that in my audiences, there’s a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’
The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
I do just want to do jokes. I don’t want to be a divisive figure.
There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It’s like from like the era of court jesters.
It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they’re – you know, and I touched on it in the initial clip – is that we are in the middle of this culture war.
Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He’d be like, easy, freak.
Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they’ve learned during the rest of the year. They don’t go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.
I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.
I’m bald, blind and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.
As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.’
I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia.