I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one of those grandpas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who just lives in bed. That looked awesome.
Even in the ’70s and ’80s, the television show Happy Days was aware of the irony of “cool.” The cool character on Happy Days was “the Fonz,” and he was ridiculous. His office was in a men’s bathroom. That’s not only not cool, that’s not even sanitary.
I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.
All healthy babies eventually walk, but we treat those first steps like someone has just risen out of a wheelchair at a healing revival. “He’s walking! It’s a miracle!
Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if your baby wakes up hungry in the middle of the night.
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’
Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus?
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I’m probably somebody who is more devout.
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
I usually don’t have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I’m gonna start blowin crap up. It’s what the founding fathers would want.
That’s not to say that I’m a well-informed Catholic. I’m still in idiot.
It’s amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? ‘What the? Has someone been kidnapped?’
When our bed is made, it’s covered in 40 pillows-like we’re stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato.
I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I’m somebody who, because it’s a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I’m a lunatic.