Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
I think stand-up comedy is this – it’s this kind of indulgence and narcissism.
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, “Hey, how’s that book?” “I haven’t read it.” “Oh, did you just buy it?” “I’ve had it since high school.” “Well, can I borrow it?” “No.”
You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? ‘Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!’
My wife always asks me why I don’t make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don’t tie my shoes after I take them off.
You’re on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there’s some kind of – at least for me, there’s some kind of idea of control.
Bacon’s the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend’s name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.
My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I’m not in control of things.
Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’
When I’m in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it – it kind of quells my narcissism.
Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
Don’t you think it’s strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
The reason I say I’m a horrible person is I don’t want myself to be presented as somebody who’s a great Catholic.
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin.
If you’re a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who’s just relaxing after he strangled a family. “Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.”