You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
I’ve been outed as a Christian.
Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.
I don’t want people to think I believe in God.
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, ‘Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.’
It’s not as if ten years ago, we were like, ‘I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.’
That’s my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?
Other people’s children’s birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
I don’t want to get involved in the culture war. Religion’s iffy.
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I’m nothing. Because if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, ‘He’s got a Latin temper!’ If you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, ‘That guy’s a jerk.’
Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I’ve been exposed to at this point. I’m hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I’m going.
Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.
Every now and then I’ll read a book, I’ll be so proud of myself, I’ll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, “Hey Jim, how ya do-” “I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!” “That’s great, what was it about?” “No idea! Took me three years!”
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. “So that’s how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That’s how they trick you into it.”
My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, “Dad Is Fat.” And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences.