You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’
Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus?
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I’m probably somebody who is more devout.
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
I usually don’t have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I’m gonna start blowin crap up. It’s what the founding fathers would want.
That’s not to say that I’m a well-informed Catholic. I’m still in idiot.
It’s amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? ‘What the? Has someone been kidnapped?’
When our bed is made, it’s covered in 40 pillows-like we’re stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato.
I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I’m somebody who, because it’s a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I’m a lunatic.
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
I think stand-up comedy is this – it’s this kind of indulgence and narcissism.
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, “Hey, how’s that book?” “I haven’t read it.” “Oh, did you just buy it?” “I’ve had it since high school.” “Well, can I borrow it?” “No.”
You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? ‘Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!’
My wife always asks me why I don’t make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don’t tie my shoes after I take them off.