I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I’m gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I’m an idiot. And I’m your boyfriend.
I didn’t think it was going to be this fun. But everything just gets heightened when you have a baby. The volume gets turned up on life. I never knew I could be this happy, and that’s the truth.
Success is just happiness. When you are happy, that is success.
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.
When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.
There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.
Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.
Oh here’s an idea: let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.
Don’t keep reaching for the stars because you’ll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.
A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.
Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.
This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from ‘Duck Dynasty.’ It was a good weekend for conservatives – and a great weekend for wild animals.
We have a really, really great dog. It doesn’t bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He’s just a very happy dog.
A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.