One of the major causes of mental health problems, he felt, was a lack of belongingness, the perception that we are cut off from our fellows.
What is this self inside us, this silent observer, Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us And urge us on to futile activity And in the end, judge us still more severely For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us? – T. S. ELIOT, The Elder Statesman.
By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.
Tara Bennett-Goleman uses the metaphor of alchemy to symbolize the spiritual and emotional transformation that’s possible when we embrace our pain with caring concern. When we give ourselves compassion, the tight knot of negative self-judgment starts to dissolve, replaced by a feeling of peaceful, connected acceptance – a sparkling diamond that emerges from the coal.
Loving ourselves points us to capacities of resilience, compassion, and understanding within that are simply part of being alive. – S.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her, ‘I haven’t eaten anything in four days.’ She looked at him and said, ‘God, I wish I had your willpower.
The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through.
Self-compassion is a way of emotionally recharging our batteries. Rather than becoming drained by helping others, self-compassion allows us to fill up our internal reserves, so that we have more to give to those who need us.
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. – CARL ROGERS, On Becoming a Person T.
If you are someone who tends to ruminate, or who suffers from anxiety and depression, it’s important that you don’t judge yourself for this way of being.
The Criticizer, the Criticized, and the Compassionate Observer.
When we give ourselves compassion, however, when we care for and look after ourselves, we can start to let go of society’s narrow definitions of how men and women are supposed to be sexually. We can start to love and accept ourselves exactly as we are and can express our sexuality in the way that most fulfills us.
If you are a habitual self-critic, remember that your behavior actually represents a convoluted form of self-care, an attempt to keep yourself safe and on track. You don’t want to beat yourself up for beating yourself up in the vain hope that it will somehow make you stop beating yourself up. Just as hate can’t conquer hate – but only strengthens and reinforces it – self-judgment can’t stop self-judgment.
When we open to the reality of what is, even if we don’t like what is, it helps almost immediately.
At the most basic level, self-compassion simply requires being a good friend to ourselves.
When we relate to ourselves with tender self-compassion, we care for and nurture ourselves. When we relate to ourselves with fierce self-compassion, we assert our autonomy and stand up for our rights.
When we open our hearts to what is, it generates a level of warmth that helps heal our wounds.
According to my model, self-compassion is comprised of three main elements: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness. These elements are distinct but interact as a system, and all three must be present in a self-compassionate mindset to make it healthy and stable.
Our emotional suffering is caused by our desire for things to be other than they are. The more we resist the fact of what is happening right now, the more we suffer. Pain is like a gaseous substance. If you allow it to just be there, freely, it will eventually dissipate on its own. If you fight and resist the pain, however, walling it into a confined space, the pressure will grow and grow until there is an explosion.
Every human being has both positive and negative traits. Rather than running away with an exaggerated story line about either, good or bad, we instead need to honor and accept ourselves as we authentically are. No better and no worse. The key is having balance and perspective so that we can see ourselves without distortion.