Then the appearance of death was distant, although the wish was ever present to my thoughts, and I often sat for hours motionless and speechless, wishing for some mighty revolution that might bury me and my destroyer in its ruins.
This passion is detrimental to me; for you do not reflect that you are the cause of its excess.
I who had before clothed myself in the bright garb of sincerity must now borrow one of divers colours: it might sit awkwardly at first, but use would enable me to place it in elegant folds, to lie with grace.
These were wild and miserable thoughts; but I cannot describe to you how the eternal twinkling of the stars weighed upon me, and how I listened to every blast of wind, as if it were a dull ugly siroc on its way to consume me.
Every thought that was devoted to it was an extreme anguish, and every word that I spoke in allusion to it caused my lips to quiver, and my heart to palpitate.
My warm affections finding no return... were forced to run waste on inanimate objects.
I was a solitary being, and from my infant years, ever since my dear nurse left me, I had been a dreamer.
My own spirits were high, and I bounded along with feelings of unbridled joy and hilarity.
It seemed to me as if nothing would or could ever be known. All that had so long engaged my attention suddenly grew despicable.
Sometimes I wished to express my sensations in my own mode, but the uncouth and inarticulate sounds which broke from me frightened me into silence again.
Man,” I cried, “how ignorant art thou in thy pride of wisdom! Cease; you know not what it is you say.
Frightful the storm which embraced the gallant vessel on its course and wrecked it-thus!
A considerable period elapsed before I discovered one of the causes of the uneasiness of this amiable family: it was poverty, and they suffered that evil in a very distressing degree.
Oh, that some encouraging voice would answer in the affirmative! My courage and my resolution is firm; but my hopes fluctuate, and my spirits are often depressed. I am about to proceed on a long and difficult voyage, the emergencies of which will demand all my fortitude: I am required not only to raise the spirits of others, but sometimes to sustain my own, when theirs are failing.
But power, in all its shapes, is venerable to man. Awe, curiosity, a clinging fascination, drew me towards him.
And to my young heart the idea of death came for the first time blended with that of joy.
The words induced me to turn towards myself. I learned that the possessions most esteemed by your fellow creatures were high and unsullied descent united with riches. A man might be respected with only one of these advantages, but without either he was considered, except in very rare instances. as a vagabond and a slave, doomed to waste his powers for the profits of the chosen few!
You have suffered a land-, I a sea-wreck.
Was my dream but a mirror of the truth?
I feel a cold northern breeze play upon my cheeks, which braces my nerves and fills me with delight. Do you understand this feeling? This breeze, which has traveled from the regions towards which I am advancing, gives me a foretaste of those icy climes. Inspirited by this wind of promise, my daydreams become more fervent and vivid.