You always pass failure on the way to success.
I keep going because if you stop, you stop. Why retire? Inspire.
I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done. I only wish I could have done more.
Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.
I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
When I was 19 years old, I was the number one star of the world for two years; when I was 40, nobody wanted me; I couldn’t get a job.
Look, I come from vaudeville, I come from burlesque, I come from heartaches, I come from sadness, I come from gladness, I come from work and sweat and respect for the craft.
To those seniors, and especially elderly veterans like myself, I want to tell you this: You are not alone, and you having nothing to be ashamed of. If elder abuse happened to me, it can happen to anyone. I want you to know that you deserve better.
A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100,000 short.
I buy women shoes and they use them to walk away from me.
The audience and I are friends. They allowed me to grow up with them. I’ve let them down several times. They’ve let me down several times. But we’re all family.
God bless the universe, God bless Japanese, Chinese, Indians, all of them and let’s have peace.
I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years.
If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, “How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!”
Hollywood has unfortunately become a memory. It’s nothing but a sign on the side of a hill.
Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they’re always “out.” It’s in, you see, to be out. If they’re in, they’re out. So, they’re always out. That way, they’ll be in.
It’s confusing. I’ve had so many wives and so many children I don’t know which house to go to first on Christmas.