If you’re gonna burn a bridge behind you, make sure you’ve crossed it first.
99% of all problems can be solved by money – and for the other 1% there’s alcohol.
I was eating a steak at a local restaurant last night, when a random woman said: “Y’know, you’d be much better off being a vegetarian.” “Are you crazy?” I said, “The cow was a vegetarian and look what happened to it!
I must give myself permission not to like myself. It’s ok. Plenty of other people don’t like me either. And I have much higher standards.
Be thankful for the little you’ve got, and a little is all you’re gonna get.
Literature today is like elevator music for a narcoleptic.
I wish all those who’ve found God, would tell the rest of us where he’s been hiding.
There are no sacred cows – just ask Ronald McDonald.
I want an avowed atheist in the White House. When time comes to push that button, I want whoever’s making the decision to understand that once it’s pushed, it’s over. Finito. They’re not gonna have lunch with Jesus. Won’t be deflowering 72 virgins on the great shag carpet of eternity, or reincarnated as a cow. I want someone making that decision who believes life on this Earth isn’t just a dress rehearsal for something better – but the only shot we get.
A little stupid is like a little forest fire. If you happen upon some stupid, please stomp it out before it spreads.
Stupid is terminal. There is no cure. I know those who’ve beaten cancer, but not a single individual who’s ever been cured of stupid. Fortunately, nature has its own way of thinning the herd. The stupid ultimately don’t survive. The antelope that doesn’t recognize the lion as predator, winds up inside the lion.
Guns kill far more quickly and efficiently than knives, or crossbows, or toenail clippers; and, unlike bombs, you don’t need to build one in your basement – they come ready-made! There’s a reason why guns are the overwhelming weapon of choice among mass murderers.
Always wanted a girl with a heart-shaped ass. Most of my exes have ass-shaped hearts.
I believe a Christian muffler shop owner should have the same right to refuse service to a gay couple, as a gay lifeguard has to refuse service to a drowning Christian.
God doesn’t send atheists to Hell – there’s no room with all the Christians down there.
Mass shootings are all part of a vast Left-wing conspiracy to undermine the 2nd Amendment and deprive your 6-year-old of his God-given right to bring a Bushmaster to class for “show and tell”... The one he got from his psychotic, meth-addicted uncle’s trailer while the latter was out getting the Confederate flag tattooed on his face. Remember, guns don’t kill: the dimwits who insist EVERYONE should have the right to own ’em do.
When has a civilian ever stopped a mass shooting with an AR-15? An AR-15 is a perfect weapon for mass murderers – not so much for self-defense. Would you bring an AR-15 along on a date? To your place of work? To the movies? If not, how can owning an AR-15 save your life in the event of a mass shooting? Why does the NRA keep telling us we need semi-automatic rifles for self-defense? Whose side are they really on?
God might not be dead, but he’s sure as hell missing in action.
The Catholic Church standing in “solidarity” with members of the LGBT community while condemning their behavior as “sinful” is a little like attempting to stand with two feet in one shoe. “Love the sinner, hate the sin” sounds really high-minded until you realize the only sin committed was being born different.