Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.
You know what the average person is? Average.
The way I see life, it’s like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?
Never fry bacon when you’re naked.
Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.
The only difference between the women I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it’s an acting job. You have to act like you’re the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck.
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people’s freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’
Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
There is no romance without some lying. That’s what romance is – a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
I’m catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don’t have it.
If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you’re going to war over religion, now you’re just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.