Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.
I was compiling a list in my head titled ‘Reasons to Get Up: You Don’t Have to Leave, but You Can’t Pee Here.
There is something inherently manly about climbing a mountain. Though, taken literally, that would make a deep sea dive the most feminine activity on the planet.
I have never pictured my own wedding. I do want to get married. It’s a nice idea. Though I think husbands are like tattoos-you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life...
The “pass” was a normal-sized key with a wooden block the size of a brick attached to it. This was meant to broadcast the administration’s lack of faith in our ability to hold on to small objects.
I am the proud indentured servant of a brilliant art adviser who may or may not have purposely stapled my index finger to a manila folder.
You feel like telling him you’re not single in the way that he thinks you’re single. After all, you have yourself.
If you have to ask someone to change, to tell you they love you, to bring wine to dinner, to call you when they land, you can’t afford to be with them.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who know where their high school yearbook is and those who do not.
Working on an essay versus a novel is like the difference between seeing to that curtain and seeing to New Jersey.
Our brains are like bonsai trees, growing around our private versions of reality.
No affair that begins with such an orchestrated overture can end on a simple note.
I think humor is the social use. You can put anything in it. I think – yes, I speak heavily in analogies – it is like putting the medicine in apple sauce or a block of cheese for a dog. Not that anyone in this room is a dog in this scenario.
I love to bake, so I made vanilla bean and blueberry muffins for sick hospital children. Just kidding! All of that is true except the sick children part.
I thought I was going to write fiction but I fell backwards into non-fiction. It started when I got locked out of two apartments in one day and I told the story to some friends, one of whom worked in the ‘Village Voice’ and asked me to turn it into an essay.
In every woman’s wardrobe, there are certain accessories that cannot be separated from their back stories.
I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was a genius trapped in an idiot’s body.
My A-number one visceral fear is speed. More than knives or snakes or confined spaces. Speed. I won’t even go on a motor boat if I can help it.
Because I am a horrible flincher, contact lenses are not an option. I’m always envious of contact-wearers. There are endless reasons to take off one’s glasses during the day and, as I have grown older, what I don’t see has become increasingly pronounced.