My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.
Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
Education isn’t everything. For a start, it isn’t an elephant.
In the human race today, you came last.
I’m Irish. We think sideways.
Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
I’m a hero with coward’s legs.
A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush.
I told you I was sick.
One day the “Don’t Knows” will get in and then where will we be?
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.
It was a perfect marrige. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.