Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
It’s all in the mind, you know.
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.
Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
Education isn’t everything. For a start, it isn’t an elephant.
In the human race today, you came last.
I’m Irish. We think sideways.
Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.