Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn’t think quick enough.
Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
It’s all in the mind, you know.
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.