A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says “What are you supposed to be?” The man says “A premature ejaculation.” “What?” says the woman. The man explains “I’ve just come in my pants.”
A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay – you’re ugly as well.’
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘Just looking.’
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.’
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.